Worst. Halloween Party. Ever.
The worst Halloween party ever was at Bobby Vitelli’s house. Most of us were in second or third grade. Bobby’s father had just escaped from that prison for the criminally insane. His mother was supposed to be throwing the party, but Bobby’s dad had taken care of her as soon as he got home. You might have read about what he did to her in that pumpkin patch. Still gives me nightmares. Anyway, he had us all trapped down there in that basement. The games were horrible. “Duck Duck Goose” became “Duck Duck Noose.” “Bobbing for Apples” became “Bobbing for Faces.” (He had brought some “party favors” taken from previous victims in his nylon gym bag.) Most of us were crying or screaming or in shock but he just kept going. Little Bobby begged his dad to stop but he wouldn’t. Neighbors must have heard our terrified screams, because it wasn’t long until the SWAT team broke into the house above us. Bobby led a bunch of the kids upstairs while his dad was distracted frantically searching for something among his tools he couldn’t find. Once kids were in the chaos of the house upstairs, they got to play “Hide and Seek” with the swatties for a bit and finally “Follow the Leader” out the back door of the house. But I was still downstairs for the final game. Bobby’s father looked right into my eyes and said “‘Pin the Tail on the Donkey’ is now ‘Shoot the Nail in the Junkie.’” He said it so calmly and smiled right at me. That’s when I realized he was holding that electric nail gun. He brought it up to his forehead, still smiling like he had just won a prize. Well, you know what comes next. The party just ended with the worst dad joke ever.
