Some Short Stories (after Demetri Martin)

A young man falls in love with a woman at first sight while they are riding in an elevator. After the relationship grows serious, marriage-serious, the man realizes he actually only loves his fiancee when they are rapidly ascending or descending. Needless to say, this leaves the relationship gravitationally-challenged as not many couples actually call amusement park rides or helicopters home.

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An art historian discovers a heretofore unknown letter written by Vincent Van Gogh in which he confesses that his brother Theo used to give him “swirlies” (a spit-wet finger mischievously twirled in the ear when one is least expecting it, a.k.a. a “Wet Willy”) and that this was the true inspiration for his Starry Night and many other masterpieces of Post-Expressionism. The art world is grossed-out and Van Gogh’s prices plummet. He is once again a highly unsuccessful painter after centuries of fluke genius status.

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An older American man who faces daily challenges in dealing with his television’s remote control somehow navigates through its menu in such an incompetent manner that he manages to start World War Three by launching a military offensive on a Middle Eastern country which has been giving America the side-eye for centuries. Fortunately, a senior named Dolores in Australia manages to negotiate a peace with her remote control, again wholly…