Mason

I told my wife that I killed Mason. Of course, she thought I was joking.

I waited until she had given birth to our first child. So that lets you know what a piece of shit I am, but it also lets you know what a pragmatic piece of shit I am.

Congratulations, honey, you’re married to a murderer. Now exactly which flavors of organic baby food am I supposed to pick up at the store again?

If I had told her when she was pregnant, she might have miscarried our child. And I love little Reina more than my own life. Much more than my own life. Every day with this child is a gift. If I had told Gauri before she had gotten pregnant, she might have left me. There might be no Reina. I sensed the moment had come to tell someone after all these years. And she was the only person on earth I could tell and not pay the terrible price.

We were happy together and I guessed she would help me protect the secret and keep our family together. Why did I feel the need to tell her, after all these years of telling no one? I want to say because I love her and wanted to have no secrets from her. But I realized if I was lightening my burden an infinitesimal amount by being able to talk honestly about it with another soul, it also meant I was putting a terrible burden on her soul. The truth is I was lost. I was having more and more difficulty with the most basic things. My mind was imploding. I trusted this woman with my life and I hoped she might have a way of helping me deal with the guilt, that she might tell me what to do even though I knew there was…