Hello

I am your phrogger.

OBVIOUSLY, we haven’t met since I have been secretly living in your house. Duh. If you knew I was there, what sort of phrogger would I be? I would no longer be a phrogger. I’d be a felon or…a “psychologically-disadvantaged person” or…something. I suppose it would depend on what sort of legal representation I would be able to acquire and how the argument would be framed in courts and in the court of public opinion.

I’m sorry you have had to work so many long hours lately to pay the bills. But I also really appreciate it, as it really gives me lots of time to enjoy the lovely home you have made for both of us. I am really enjoying the bonding time with your cat Mercury, whom I know as Sparkles. Forgive me for the chutzpah of renaming your pet, but she really seems to respond better to that name. I don’t think you really understand what shows Sparkles likes to have on the television. She’s really responsive to some of the shows we watch together. She’s just not that into reality television and shows about fashion. Give her a good show about African animals and her eyes are riveted to the big screen t.v. She is particularly partial to anything about gorillas.

I don’t know why I’m writing this letter to you. I don’t think you will ever receive it unless my phrogging is so bad that I get caught. Sometimes I just like the sensation of putting pen to paper and writing an old school letter. It’s part of who I am and how I was raised. I never received a gift from any relative without writing an old school, pen-and-paper Thank You letter…