At Home with Amy Sedaris: Fan Fiction

I’ve been enjoying the second season quite a bit, and this little bit of grim
fan fiction actually came out of a dream I had involving the Chassie Tucker character (played by Cole Escola) which had me waking up laughing.

BATHING THE DEAD, WITH AMY SEDARIS

Amy Sedaris: It seems there’s nothing around the house that couldn’t
benefit from a little TLC (tender loving cleaning) and nowhere is that truer than when it comes to dead loved ones. So today I’m going to show you
the correct way to bathe the dead. Here to help me by playing the part
of a dirty corpse is former pastry chef Chassie Tucker.

Chassie Tucker (lying in bed): Can we just get this over with already?
I have a sick grandma I have to take to a bar.

Amy: Sure. Now Chassie is going to remain clothed for reasons best
known to herself and the network, but imagine her naked as the day
she was last arrested. Now you’re going to want to get started right
away, because the stiffness of rigor mortis is gonna start setting in
about two to six hours after death.

Chassie: Stiffness taking six hours to happen? God, you’re giving
me flashbacks to some of my worst dates. Can you just wash me
already?

Amy: Do you mind? You’re awfully chatty for a dead person. Now
bathing the dead is a sign of respect. First, since the body may leak
fluids after death, we’re going to place paper towels or towels
under the body. [Amy does so.]

Chassie: This reminds me of that Buick I had that would leak
oil all over my driveway. Maybe you should just use kitty litter.
That’s what I did with the Buick.

Amy: Next, wash the deceased’s face, gently closing their eyes
[Amy struggles to close Chassie’s eyes] before starting, using
the soft pads of your fingertips.

Chassie: Soft pads? More like sandpaper mummy hands. Which one of us
is the corpse here?

Amy: Now if the eyes won’t stay closed, you’re going to want to lay
a soft cloth over them and use something small to weight it down. To make
a suitable weight you can fill a baggie with some uncooked rice or lentil beans. I sometimes use crafting items, like googly eyes. [Amy places
the baggie over the cloth on Chassie’s eyes.]

Chassie: Could you at least soak this thing in vodka first? Or poppers?

Amy: Next, we’re going to want to shut the mouth. Thank God. Now
you can use a washcloth and prop it up under the neck, or tie a scarf
around it and up over the top of the head. I’m going to use a couple
potholders, which are stuffed with cannabis, since I took the name
literally when I made these. [Amy wedges them under C.’s neck.]
In a few hours, you can remove them and the slack-jawed look
of the Scream mask will be gone.

Chassie: [She has difficulty speaking now.] Are we almost done?
My liver is starting to feel a little parched.

Amy: Chassie, please respect the dead. I mean respect yourself!
Now, you’ll want to wash the hair if it hasn’t been washed recently.
Or, if it’s a man or an Eastern European aunt, you might want
to shave the face. For the sake of time, we’ll skip that. Although
I do see a little mustache that doesn’t really match the carpet
starting up there.

Chassie: See, now I’m so sorry I let you help me with that little drama
of shaving my carpet that time the Russian sailor lied
about that crotch itch being a mosquito bite. I knew you would use that
against me someday. Vermin can happen to anyone. So they
happened to me a dozen times. I’ve learned from the experience!

Amy: And back to bathing the dead! We’re going to clean the teeth
and mouth. [Amy looks into C.’s mouth.] And I see our corpse
had a lot of broccoli for lunch. And spinach! Jeez Louise, Chassie, you know
you only get the nutrition if it reaches your stomach, right?

Chassie: Veggie-detritus-shaming is so 2018, Amy Sedaris. There’s
a Twitter hashtag for people like you.

Amy: Well just pretend I brushed this garden out of Chassie’s mouth.
Don’t use toothpaste though. The dead person is not going to swish
and spit for you. I use a lint brush on the tongue. [She does this to C.’s
tongue.]

Chassie: Oh God, that tickles!

Amy: Oh, and one last thing about the mouth. Don’t take any dentures out. You will have a dickens of a time getting them back in. I’m not kidding, it will take some KY and a crowbar. Next, we’re going to clean the body using a
small facecloth and a little bit of soap. We’ll start with the arms and the legs, and then do the front and back of the trunk.

Chassie: Oh, what are you doing? That’s so relaxing. Now I’m thinking I should be dead more often.

Amy: I’m not going to do all of Chassie’s pasty limbs, but you get the idea.
Arms, legs, business side, other business side. You may need help rolling
the dearly departed over, or you can do what I do with heavier bodies
and just run the garden hose through a window and use it on power blast
cycle the way you do on the siding. It’s like a giant Water-pik for corpses,
works great.

Chassie: Amy! You told me you tenderly washed dear Aunt Eloise
by hand!

Amy: I did. My hand just happened to be a on a hose nozzle.She smelled
much better than usual, didn’t she? Speaking of which, you can
add some fragrant oils or rose petals to the water before you wash
the beloved. Or Pine Sol, if you want your dearly departed to smell
like Walmart early in the morning.

Chassie: God, I love that smell!

Amy: Who doesn’t? So last of all, you’re going to slip the body
into an outfit. You can cut a shirt or blouse up the back to the neck
to make it easier to get the pesky limbs through the armholes. But,
personally, I like the challenge. It brings back fond memories of
Twister. And then pose the arms at the side, like so, [she positions
Chassie’s arms] and call it a day. A life. A day. Whatever.

Chassie: Am I finally free to cast off the bonds of surly death
and go get a drink? Or ten?

Amy: Yes, please do. You’re the worst dead person I ever
bathed and pretended to dress. Ever. And I Pine Sol’ed
those little grey men who crashed in that saucer in the field
behind my house.

[Chassie heads for the door.]

Chassie: Bye. Thanks for the TLC, Amy. Totally lame
cleaning!

[She slams the door behind her.]

Amy: And that’s bathing the dead, ladies and gentlemen!
Please only try this at home if someone is genuinely dead,
as otherwise they can really get on your nerves.